After graduating the first time around in 2013, tomorrow I’m going back to University for my very first class… and I am nervous. Why? I’ve done this type of class before, I work at the University… What is going on?
The sensible (ish) twenty-seven year old me knows that this is temporary first-day jitters but still, this state of mind is pretty intense! It kind of feels like muscle memory, somehow studying again has pulled me back into memories of being nineteen and doubting everything I’m doing.
I always thought that as I got older I’d get more confident in my own abilities and be sure of what I was doing but if you didn’t know it already, let me tell you a grown-up secret:
nobody knows 100% what they are doing.
If they say they do they are lying or naive. We are all winging it to some degree.
This fights against what I was told growing up, you go to school, further education, get a career, get a family then retire. Simple one line journey of life.
It hasn’t worked that way for me so far, my journey was more like this: School, college, re-do college, Job, University, Job, Job, thinking about what I actually want for a career, Re-do University whilst having a Job… and not many people talk about this.
I can’t think of many 16-year-olds who truly know what they want to do and stick with it. Want to know why? Because they’re sixteen! They haven’t tried much! My point is, life isn’t straightforward and you’re the only person who can live your life. This is what I think scares me, there is no manual, guide, or coach on the sidelines that can guarantee you everything you want, it’s down to you. You have to learn as you fumble through.
As tomorrow is edging closer, I’m realising more that I’m nervous not because I’m new in class, not because I’m older than most of the other students, because I haven’t truly trusted my own judgement yet. I don’t know for sure if I’m doing ‘the right thing’, and that I know deep somewhere in my mind it’s bullsh*t and I need to learn to fully embrace my choices and learn from whatever comes my way.
So, as I’m up over-thinking my first class and life in general, I think I’m going to look back at some of the weird and wonderful lessons I’ve lived through over the years and hopefully, they will remind me that I can do this, come what may.